When a child starts to hit the teenaged years, their body starts to erupt into maturity, but their mind does not necessarily follow. In fact, studies have found that children’s brains at this stage seem to regress to an earlier stage, which is actually a kind of foggish limbo, making space for the big jump into abstract reasoning, independent decision-making. But they are not there yet. Like toddlers, they run off all legs to explore the big world, but run back to home base desperate for a structure and holding for their new found abilities. They are terrified that they don’t have it all together. They are terrified they will be laughed out of the playpen or the lay pen, as the case may be.
Enter the parent. Ok, this is hard because you’ve been working so hard and long to support this growing adulthood you’re sure the pushing away that you’re getting from them is personal, suddenly your kid hates you. No, they’ve hated you all along. Oh, gosh: kidding!! It’s been an ambivalent relationship for a long time: love-hate balanced most of the time. Now, it’s just that you embarrass them, right? They really want to pretend that they’re all grown up Now, and you’re cramping their style. You bet you are!
Do not try to be your child’s friend here. If you need a friend, go somewhere else! Actually, having a support system and a good friend is really important as the parent of a teen or pre-teen. Now is the time to get that writers group, book club, or tennis team going. That doesn’t mean you can’t also be friends with your teen, but the most important thing they need you for is Parenting. That means boundaries. And sometimes it just sucks to be that policeman.
Friendly conversations are great, and if you can get them, preferred. If you’ve established some rules and boundaries while your kids were growing up, then keep it up! Weekly meetings, family dinners, politeness, norms of communication. These are life rafts for your kids, and for you.
Your role here is not Judge, it’s Attorney for the Defense. The defense of your child. The defense of the adult you know they can be.
- Drugs, Alcohol, marijuana, hallucinogens.
- Sex, Gender, Homo-phobia, Racism…
- Values, Religion, cults and belonging
- Bullying, Being a Victim, Name-calling
- Communication, Friendship, Loyalty, Choosing a boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Stress reduction, expressing emotions, getting creative
- Self-Defense physically and psychically
- School and Career for their best self-expression and happiness, long term!
- Balancing a check book, doing laundry, shopping for clothing, food, etc., growing and foraging for edible plants, hunting, using a car for self-defense (defensive driving).
What did your parents and grandparents teach you, or not teach you? Cooking a meal, Designing a home, Choosing a Mate… Wow, the list goes on forever, and yet we haven’t even talked about the Kindness that is key to it all. Your kindness will rub off on your children, and be the greatest gift you can ever give them. Maybe even a greater gift than your unconditional love and devotion.
Children when hurt, make decisions, decisions they hold onto, way late into adulthood: forever. I remember deciding that my mother could not be trusted to love me, when she did something or other when I was about 4. From then on, I knew that whatever she said, she didn’t really love me; I needed to hide my true self from her, or she would hurt me again. I did not want to hand that down to my son.
So he nursed for 17 months, went to a home childcare at age 1 held in arms all day, slept in my bed till he was 3, and still snuggled in the mornings. He was unconditionally loved, supported and grew up secure and happy. When in second grade I was finally able to send him to private school, his first question to the teacher was “how do I get kicked out?” which he proceeded to do. Back into public school, a smaller schoolmate picked on him in 4th grade, and he made sure the boy hit him first, but beat him up anyway.
In 9th grade the chemistry teacher begged me to have him evaluated for ADD, as the finger tapping, wise-cracking, class clown was driving the class over the bend. He was evaluated but refused medicine “saying no to drugs”, and begged to get into the alternative high school that his friends were at. At the end of junior year at the alternative high school, they recommended he be held back a year, to get clarity on his life-work project, to mature. He surprised us all with demanding to change schools, raising the money from friends and relatives for a private individual study high school, and then completing that on time with straight A’s.
Later, now in college and finding 3 hour lab classes impossible to sit through, he begged me to get him some Ritalin. I set up the appointments to the doctors, but he never turned up. Though I was in London, he was in a college dorm and seemed to be doing well. If only he hadn’t made the decision as a teen to refuse “drugs”, his whole life might have been very different. If I had been truly kind, would I have insisted he give it a try?
Sometimes, we do everything right, and it still turns out wrong.
The next blog posts will be about the bulleted topics listed above, so that all parent/defense attorney’s can ready their briefs for the onslaught of anti-social, demented and perverted cultural media messages that will be or already are, holding your children hostage.
With persistence and stamina, and a little support from sane friends, hopefully, you will free them. Free them to be themselves.