Parenting a child from birth to adult is an impossible task, more than any one person can do- let’s face it. We try to love and to keep our children safe, and we succeed, if we do, with the help of a lot of stuff: stuff that we have little or no control over.
Schools, media (TV/films/internet), the social climate (national and religious hatred, racism, sexism), and political climate (entitlements, social assistance, jobs availability): All circumstances impact children and their parents. We like to think that we can take care of our families on our own, as parents, but sometimes the circumstances of life get in the way. Sometimes we are managing the balance of work and home, it’s working great, and then suddenly we get the flu, or our child gets the flu, and everything is thrown into chaos. One thing happens in any of the realms of work, school, childcare, extended family, money, food availability, or transportation availability, and we realize how very vulnerable we are.
A good teacher, a good neighbor, a good friend (or family) can make all the difference for a child and their parent. Single parents may be super-human but the truth is: we are not. We are human. We exist in a web of culture, in a society, a place and time, a political climate, where children and families are not valued as highly as money and things. Our economic status more than anything will be the predictor of our children’s self-esteem, if we don’t take drastic steps.
And then there’s genetics: the inheritance of a predilection for addiction, whether it be to adrenaline, drugs/alcohol or sex, maybe alcohol/drugs is the most benign? At least there’s rehab programs for heroin.
But we must face the poison that our patriarchal greed fueled culture has become to our youth: everything from texting to tennies to marijuana and cigarettes, begin benignly but become obsessive, addictive and mind boggling.
I believe that love is healing. But we also need other things to survive in this world. Our children’s self-esteem is the single most important and key predictor of their success in later life, their happiness, and their ability to form long term healthy relationships. When we tell them continually how great they are, how much we love them, this does not affect their core feelings of self-esteem because our own self-esteem is low. Without our own high self-esteem, we cannot leverage our children’s self-esteem: we are not authentic reporters that our children respect and believe. They believe that they are half you, and your low self-esteem is theirs.
This is what I learned: something I’ve been preaching for a long time now. Walking the walk is not the same as talking the talk. Talking I can do, but my walking is all lop-sided these days… I’ve been seeking the approval of everybody around me, and not fully speaking my truth. I guess I thought I had to protect them from the pain of the truth, that somehow they couldn’t handle this full truth.
The full truth and nothing but the truth will do. I need to hold them in love, and blast out the truth, as gently as I can, but forcefully enough for them to get it. Feelings. How do I feel? I feel really really sad. I feel really disappointed. I feel scared. Buddhism be damned, I’m upset. I wanted you here beside me, and you’re off doing some damn thing that I don’t understand! You’re endangering yourself. I am worried.
This is the first chapter of the book “Heartbreak of Parenting” by Lolo Lesser, copyright WordPress 2020, to be published at the end of August, 2020. Future chapters will be serialized in this blog, so keep watching this space where we will discuss:
- Goals of Parenting- Antifragile
- Compliance Without Confrontation Strengthens the Will of the Child
- Childrens’ Needs – ages and stages
- Behavior and Habits of a Lifetime
- Building Happiness Through Empathy
- How to Praise- Toes on Fire